Snowflakes and Cigarette Ashes
by Xian Ke
Summary: To be in love and to be loved are two very different things.


**Word Count: **3,250

**Pairings: **Gan Ning/Ling Tong with some Lu Meng/Lu Xun (and maybe a little Ling Tong/Lu Xun if you squint).

**Full Summary: **Gan Ning and Ling Tong have been in a relationship for a year and a half now. Both are successful in their jobs, but things between the two seem to be worsening. Gan Ning comes home late, leaves early, smokes more than usual and drinks too much. Ling Tong feels slighted in their relationship and believes things will end soon unless the situation is changed. But how do you deal with the man you love when you fear he no longer feels the same?

* * *

><p>[<strong>December 5<strong>**th**]

_Every tear is just one more reminder that I don't know how to let you go._

* * *

><p>He'd been doing it for a while.<p>

Ling Tong couldn't remember when it started, but it seemed like it had been going on for ages now.

It was the same thing every day without fail. Ling Tong hated it. He hated it and it worried him, more than he thought it should—to the point where he would go days without a decent night's sleep. But he wouldn't get an answer, and that's what pissed Ling Tong off the most.

Gan Ning was an evasive, hard-headed bastard.

"Lu Meng fell asleep in another meeting today," Ling Tong said from behind the counter. His hands bobbed in the soapy dish water as he spoke, his gaze never leaving the sink. Sometimes it was easier if he pretended things were different. "It almost seemed like Zhou Yu was going to stroke out." He chuckled softly, sadly, more to himself than to the person sitting in the living room before him. "It was hard not to laugh…"

"Hm," Gan Ning hummed in response the way he always did. Ling Tong didn't need to look up to know how he looked: Ning would be spaced out, thoughts and attention transfixed on something out the window, something that wasn't really there. Something that Ling Tong couldn't compete with.

"And then my hair caught on fire and Lu Xun streaked the office," Tong said, his former calm tone now biting with acid. "Then we all had a big orgy in the lobby."

"Hm."

"_Fuck_!" The plate in Ling Tong's hand flew across the room, skimming over the head of the only other man present and shattering against the wall. "You aren't even _pretending_ to listen now. Didn't you hear what I just said?"

Gan Ning tilted his head, his facial expression indifferent. "What?"

"For the love of…" Tong pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose, the strong grip of his other hand threatening to break the counter beneath him. "Are you drunk or something? Is that why you're like this—you have a drinking problem?"

"Nah." Gan Ning rolled his head back to its previous position, lazily flicking a piece of fuzz off his knee.

Ling Tong pulled a dish from the soapy water and hurled it at the floor, small pieces of glass lodging into the exposed skin of his legs. The action earned no response from his partner. His lip curled in disgust, his bare feet carrying him from tile to carpet as he left the kitchen area. "Fuck this. You can sleep on the couch again tonight."

"Only if you'll stop breaking things," Gan Ning said as he finished a yawn.

"I'll break your spine next if you don't start acting normal," Ling Tong growled under his breath. His longs legs made quick work of bridging the distance to the bedroom, the door slamming behind him. Slender fingers trembled with rage as they reached for the bathroom door to throw it open. Tong moved over to the sink, noisily searching the drawers for a tweezers. The glass in his leg had started to bleed, leaving a trail of blood leading back to the kitchen. "Damn it," he cursed under his breath as he dropped the item he'd been searching for. It clattered into the sink, metal clinking softly against marble.

Ling Tong steadied himself against the counter, lithe body quivering with silent anger. It had been like this for too long—_he _was always the one getting worked up. Was he truly the only one left with any emotion, any feeling at all? If Gan Ning happened to have any remorse over their fights, which occurred more often than usual, he concealed it perfectly.

The angered quivering of Tong's body seamlessly transitioned into the sad trembling that preceded tears. He gripped the counter, fighting the stinging in his eyes the best he could. He didn't want to be the fool, to be the only one who cared.

He didn't want to be the only one who was still in love.

Long, thin fingers wiped away the hot tears that pooled at the corners of his eyes, just missing the largest one. It slid past the beauty mark that adorned his cheek, trailing down to his chin where it hung, quivering with the rest of his body.

Ling Tong wasn't one to cry. It was something he was proud of: he could feel sadness without showing it, without shedding a tear. But Gan Ning—the man he loved—had reduced him to this. This sad, shaken figure in the mirror, red-eyed and paler than usual. And it wasn't even by actions, it was Ning's _inaction _that affected him most. The silent, far-off stare that had replaced his smile, the thoughtless hum that rung hollow instead of the boisterous laughter.

Gan Ning had closed himself off. Ling Tong just wanted to know why.

If it was because of him, then Ling Tong would find a way to cope with it and move on. If it was because of something else, then he would support Gan Ning the best way he could, like he always had. If it was something he could stop himself, he would do it. Ling Tong would do anything for Gan Ning.

Love turns people into fools, fools willing to throw themselves into the fire for the sake of another.

Ling Tong knew he was a fool—he was well aware, especially now as he stood alone in the bathroom, silent gasps and whimpers slipping through parched lips, eyes stinging. He knew he was, perhaps, the king of fools for loving a man who seemed to no longer love him back. But that's the thing with fools, especially ones in love: they will hold on until the very end, clinging to any possible thread that might lead them back to where they once were.

Drawing a long, shaken breath, Ling Tong reached into the sink for the tweezers, the metal ice cold against the warmth of his fingers. He had to remove the glass from his legs before the wound became infected.

* * *

><p>Gan Ning wasn't there when he woke up. Despite the fact it was the weekend and neither of them had work, he had still left early, not even a note to inform the other of his possible whereabouts. The sad fact was, Ling Tong was rather used to this by now. Gan Ning's absence only served as a catalyst to Tong's decaying mood.<p>

Today he didn't want to be alone.

As though on autopilot, Ling Tong's legs carried him back into the bedroom, seeking out his cell phone that was charging on the nightstand. The device was opened and in his hand within a matter of seconds, his thumb holding down the button labeled "3."

"Hey, Boyan?" He spoke into the phone's receiver. "Yeah, it's me…"

* * *

><p>It took Lu Xun approximately twelve minutes and thirty-six seconds before he popped into the penthouse, scarf tangled around the paper bags he carried in his thin arms. Cheeks flushed red from winter's chilly breeze, he stumbled into the living room.<p>

"Gongji!" The slender man sing-songed his host's name, youthful face lit up in a smile. "I'm here!"

"I know. I heard you come in," Ling Tong replied as he entered the room, fingers adjusting the buttons of his cardigan. Typically, Tong wasn't a fan of the type of clothing, but it had been a gift from Lu Xun for his birthday, so he thought he would be courteous enough to wear it when he visited. "What's all that?"

"Baking supplies." Lu Xun hummed as he set his load on the kitchen counter, not wasting any time in taking each item out of the bag. "I've got cookie mix and cake mix and frosting of every kind."

"Er, what is it _for_?" Ling Tong ventured to ask.

Lu Xun shot him a look. "Baking, of course." He couldn't hide his smile for long. "Whenever I'm stressed out, I bake a lot. I find the process soothing—and if that doesn't work, eating the food is always nice, too." Xun flashed his host one of his signature innocent smiles that would give any wide-eyed puppy a run for its money. "I assume that's why you invited me over, right? You're stressed again because of Gan Ning."

The taller man let out a heavy sigh, sliding a hand through his soft brown locks. "I'm really sorry about this, Boyan. I don't mean to get you caught up in all this crap. It's just…" Ling Tong paused to lean his elbows on the counter. "I don't know. This place feels so big now that even when I'm not home by myself, it still feels like I am." He offered an apologetic curvature of the lips. "I'm just tired of feeling alone."

"Gongji…" Lu Xun pursed his lips into a sympathetic frown, extending his arm to clasp the other's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Have you talked to him about it lately?"

"Yeah. And every time I do, he either doesn't respond, leaves or tells me it's none of my business." He shrugged broad shoulders. "Anyway, what did you want to make from all this?"

Xun's eyes lit up, his delicate fingers lifting one of the boxes up to Ling Tong's face. "Red velvet cake! I've been dying to make one forever, but Ziming doesn't like cakes."

Ling Tong laughed. "I kind of guessed he wasn't really one for sweets."

"Can we make it, though?"

"Of course."

Lu Xun's smile dominated his young face as he jumped around the counter, thrusting slender arms around the taller male's waist. "Ah, thank you, Gongji! This will be just what you need to take your mind of things, I promise."

"Don't mention it." Ling Tong's own lips quirked into a smile, lifting a hand to ruffle Xun's hair. "And if it doesn't help, at least we'll have something good to eat. But I've got to warn you—I'm a terrible baker."

"That's okay," Lu Xun lifted his head to meet his host's gaze. "Ziming says I'm a prodigy. Our cake is going to taste _magnifico_!"

* * *

><p>Between Lu Xun's happy chatter and the music playing in the background, Ling Tong's thoughts wandered. Whether he wanted them to or not, they slipped away from the tasks of mixing and measuring, sinking into darker, quieter places where the sound of Lu Xun's voice couldn't be heard. His thoughts turned back to Gan Ning, quietly sobering his mood. But Tong continued to smile and nod as Lu Xun told his stories, laughing when needed and putting in a comment here or there. He'd all ready dragged the younger male into his problems enough: he didn't need to bring anyone else down with everything that currently weighted on him.<p>

It was _his_ problem, after all. The matter was something between himself and Gan Ning, and only the two of them could resolve it…if only the second party involved showed any interest.

Ling Tong thought of their recent past, of how he only had bad memories of their time spent together. When they weren't fighting, they were sitting in silence or they weren't even together. They hadn't had real, passionate sex in several months: it was always quick and emotionless, just enough to satisfy their needs—or, usually, just Gan Ning's. Tong felt slighted not only in the physical department of their relationship, but the emotional one as well. They used to do things together, go places together…

"Gongji?"

"Hm?" Ling Tong blinked several times as though waking from a dream. "What is it?"

"You've been pretty quiet," Lu Xun said. His wide eyes were no longer sparkling. "What are you thinking about right now?"

Tong smiled across the kitchen island at the other male. "I'm just thinking about how good that cake's going to taste when it's finally done."

Xun arched an fine eyebrow. "Really?"

"Really."

"You've always been a terrible liar, Gongji," the young male said with a feline smile. "But I don't want to pry, so I won't ask into it anymore. And the cake won't be ready for another hour."

"What?" Ling Tong checked the timer. "But it only has another twenty minutes to bake."

"You've got to let it cool before you frost it." Lu Xun reminded patiently, waving a batter-covered spoon. "I'll even help you with the dishes while we wait."

"Gee, thanks." Tong stood up from the counter, long legs carrying him around to the other side. He swiped the spoon from Xun's hand before the younger could lick it.

"Hey!"

Ling Tong pointed the utensil in the other's face, leaving a dot of batter on his nose. "Don't you know eating raw eggs is bad for you? You could get sick, and I don't really want to deal with Lu Meng when he finds out _I _was the one who let you eat it." His lips flickered into a Cheshire grin, his fingers dipping into the mixing bowl next to them. "Besides, it looks better on your face than it does in your stomach."

"What?"

Tong smeared his red-batter-covered fingers along the length of Lu Xun's cheek, wiping the spoon on the end of the younger male's nose before darting out of reach.

Lu Xun's eyes were nearly as wide as his mouth. Ling Tong laughed at the sight, clutching the counter for support. Not one to be outdone, Xun ran both of his hands along the inside of the mixing bowl when Tong bent over to catch his breath. Holding slender arms behind his back, Lu Xun stepped up to a teary-eyed Ling Tong and sandwiched his face between reddened hands.

"Thank you for the compliment, Chief Ling," he said, flashing his teeth in a victorious grin. The hand prints on the other's face turned out rather well.

"Oh, you little brat!" Ling Tong laughed the words before rushing over to the bowl. "You even used the last of the mix, too."

The opening of a Rubbermaid lid caught Tong's attention. "Yes, but we still have plenty of flour…"

* * *

><p>After the kitchen (and both men) were completely covered in flour, the two called a truce and decided to clean up. Despite being covered in white powder, Ling Tong was happy. Still breathless from their little war, he set about doing the dishes while Lu Xun showered. It seemed as though simple, childish things made him happiest when he was depressed—and that was exactly why he called the younger male to keep him company. Tong had known Lu Xun for years; his happy-go-lucky personality cloaking the wealth of knowledge he possessed. In some ways, Ling Tong was envious of Lu Meng for having such an energetic partner. Xun was always so full of zest and compassion…and Ling Tong was stuck with a man who seldom spoke more than two words at a time.<p>

"Stuck" wasn't the right word for Tong's situation. "Stuck" would imply he didn't want to be there, with Gan Ning, but that wasn't true. He was just hopelessly in love with a man who, quite possibly, no longer felt the same. Ling Tong thought that, maybe, if he continued to live with Ning, the other man would stay with him. Because as much as Tong hated the apathetic, lifeless Gan Ning he currently lived with, the thought of having no Gan Ning at all scared him.

_"I'm just tired of feeling alone."_

If Gan Ning left, he really would be alone. After a little more than a year and a half spent together, invested in each other, it would all be gone, and he'd be left with nothing more than his memories.

A fool cannot live on memories alone.

* * *

><p>"Wow," Ling Tong said between bites, "that cake was seriously delicious, Boyan."<p>

Lu Xun beamed at the compliment. "You really think so? Don't forget, you helped make it, too, Gongji." He nibbled on the piece of cake at the end of his fork. "I'm sorry your kitchen got so messy…but you _did_ start it."

Tong shook his head, dropping his fork onto the plate before him. "Nah, don't worry about it. It was fun."

"I'm glad I could help." The young male smiled, swinging his legs back and forth on the stool and sucking on the end of his piece of silverware. "Do you feel better?"

"Mhm."

"I hope you two can work things out soon," Xun said. He removed the fork from between his lips and carefully set it down on his plate. A thoughtful look washed over his features. "You two used to be so happy together, back when you first met. Even though you bickered a lot, I knew you didn't really mean it. You fought because you loved each other."

Something akin to a blush rose in Ling Tong's cheeks. "I don't know if I'd say that…"

_So why do we fight now, then? _He wondered. _I yell because I still love him, but he…he doesn't do anything._

"Anyway, if I eat any more of this cake, I'm going to become addicted and get morbidly obese," Tong said, quickly changing the subject. He reached for Lu Xun's plate, stacking it on top of his own as he stepped around the island.

"I doubt that," Xun chuckled. Delicate fingers reached out for the taller male's hips, the sudden squeeze eliciting a surprised yelp from Tong's lips. "You've lost weight, haven't you?" Lu Xun's tone sobered.

Ling Tong tried to think up a good excuse. "No, I really haven't—"

"Maybe I'll have to bake you more sweets to fatten you up?" Xun regained his former energy in a flash, leaping from his seat to wriggle his fingers along the sides of his host. "You're pretty ticklish now that you've lost so much weight."

"B-Boyan, I—ha hah—stop it!" Tong gasped between laughs. His long, slender body tried to writhe free of the younger male's grasp. "I—I'm not—"

"Liar," Lu Xun sing-songed his voice, mercilessly working his fingers along the sides of Ling Tong's stomach. "I won't stop unless you sit down and eat more!"

"I—hah—I c-can't!"

"Liar!"

Laughter reverberated through the kitchen as Lu Xun cornered his victim against the counter, the taller male desperately trying to push his offender off, tears stinging his eyes. They didn't hear the door to the penthouse open, or the footsteps that scuffed across the floor. Ling Tong was the first to notice the familiar mop of blond hair.

"Gan Ning," he said, the name causing Lu Xun to end his assault. Both looked at the man who had just entered, still garbed in his winter gear. "Where were you?"

"Out." Ning replied, tone neither biting nor angered.

"Hello, Xingba." Lu Xun called sweetly, the name making Ling Tong's heart ache. "Welcome back!"

Gan Ning didn't reply, silently shuffling into the bedroom. Lu Xun glanced up at his host, but Ling Tong's eyes were glued on the door his lover had just disappeared through. His heart caught in his throat, waiting, anticipating what might happen next—thousands of hopeful (and doubtful) possibilities flying through his mind.

Ning stepped back out into the living room a few minutes later, a small black bag in hand. Without so much as breathing a word of explanation, he strode back to the penthouse door.

The click the mechanism made as it was drawn back into place felt like another knife through Ling Tong's heart. Sadly, it was a pain he'd grown accustomed to.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Well, that was sappier than I thought it would be…I blame it on all the Yiruma I listened to while writing it. _;

Anyway, I hope this wasn't _too_ bad for a first chapter… As always, I was impatient about getting it up and started. I really wanted to start another Ning/Tong story where I wasn't limited to first-person, and especially one that was actually modernized. I hope you guys liked it! ^-^

I realize now that I always end up throwing Ling Tong and Lu Xun together a little bit…I never even really shipped them until I started writing _Not Bad At All_…x_x

I guess that's it? Thanks for taking the time to read this! And I hope there weren't too many spelling/grammatical errors, since (as always), I didn't really proofread this _;

Thank you! Hopefully chapter 2 will be up soon! ^-^


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